Classic Political Jokes

(Click on the + Sign text to open up each classic joke.)

1. Monica Lewinsky

2. O.J. Simpson

3. Ted Kennedy

4. Bill Clinton

Why, you ask? Well.......
1. Monica is a hooker
2. O.J. is a slicer
3. Ted can't drive over water, and . . .
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played last!

[NOTE: from the Clinton era]

In a recent television show in the UK, actor and comedian John Cleese is reputed to have offered three reasons why the British are superior to Americans:

1. They speak English.

2. When they host a world championship they invite other countries.

3. Visitors to the head of state are only expected to go down on one knee.

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
— Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
— George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
— G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.
— James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
— Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
— Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it.... and if it stops moving, subsidize it.
— Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
— P. J. O'Rourke

If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.  If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative.  If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate.  If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
— Joseph Sobran, former Editor of the National Review (1995)

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from some of the citizens to give to others.
— Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
— Pericles (430 B. C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
— Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap except when Congress does it.
— (Unknown)

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a healthy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
— Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.  The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
— Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
— Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
— Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
— Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
— Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
— Jay Leno

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
— Henry Cate VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
— Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
— Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
— Nikita Khrushchev

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
— Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
— Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
— John Quinton

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
— Oscar Ameringer

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
— Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
— Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
— Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
— Doug Larson

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war and before an election
— Otto von Bismarck

July 18, 1961

Cleve Ennis 
Star Route 3 
Tulia, Texas

United States Department of Agriculture 
Washington, DC

RE: The USDA Soil Bank Program

Dear Mr. Secretary of Agriculture:

My friends, Darryl and Janice Slocum over toward Dimmitt way done be receiving a $1,000 government check the other day for not raising hogs. I's done be a mite short on spending money these days so's I's wants to do some of that 'not-raising-hogs' business myself next year.

First of all, what I's needs to know from you is what - in your opinion sir - is:

(1) The best type of farm to not raise hogs on and 
(2) The best breed of hogs to not raise.

>(I's wants to be sure that I's approach this here endeavor in keeping with all the pertinent government policies, rules and regulations.)

I would prefer not to raise them dang-fool Razor hogs, but if'n that not be a good breed to not raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I don't raise.  If'n I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 'not-raised' hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year.

(Then I can buy one of them dang fool airy-plane contraptions.)

Now they's done be another thing about these hogs what I's not going to raise.

Them dang fool non-animals will not eat about 100,000 bushels of corn, wheat and maize.

Now, some of my neighbors already done be getting paid for not growing corn, wheat and maize. It seems to me that if'n I's don't raise no hogs, I should also get paid for not raising wheat, maize and corn - - - -  to not feed them 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise.


I's wants to get started not feeding them hogs as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and not grow the feed grains for them.

I am also considering the 'not-milking-cows' business, so please send me any information on that also.  In view of these here circumstances - - where I's not raising hogs and not growing feed for them - -  I's thinks that the government hasta consider me totally unemployed. That way, I's can file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,


Cleve Ennis

PS: Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute some more of that free cheese?

“Politics, sex, corruption, blackmail, lies . . . and that’s just the first three pages!”

As teenagers, Alison and Derek were lovers—but chose opposite directions which tore them apart.Now adults, the pursuit of their incompatible dreams turns them into enemies who must deny their love for each other. But the real-world consequences of their actions bring them together in an alliance of mutual self-preservation—and cause them both to question their every belief.

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“Worthy of Ayn Rand . . . a spell-binding adventure ”

“Multiple plots, action great . . . and a nice touch of sex.”

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