A man was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his Minister, told him of the conflicting advice, and asked him what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Minister. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks.’ But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'"

The man protested: "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear; you're going to get screwed."

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Researchers recently uncovered the heaviest new element known to science: administratium. Administratium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 deputy assistant neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These particles are held together by morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of administratium causes a single reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally take less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of three years. It does not decay but, instead, undergoes internal reorganization -- in which a number of the assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and deputy assistant neutrons exchange places. In fact, administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some morons to become neutrons. A rapid increase in administratium's mass can result in the creation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass". You will know it when you see it.