Classic Children Jokes
(Click on the + Sign text to open up each classic joke.)
Six Reasons Not To Mess With A Child
1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah”. The teacher asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”
2. A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. “What’s this?” The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without hesitating, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
4. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘there’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘that’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ “ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, “And there’s the teacher, she’s dead.”
5. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
How Come I Don’t Get Any . . . ?
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t
getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
The Meaning of Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he’d sleep with Tom cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and ask, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied, ” Do you know how much a million could buy?”
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two sluts and a fag.”
Communicate Your Feelings
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, want to play house?”
He says, “OK! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
“Politics, sex, corruption,
blackmail, lies . . . and that’s
just the first three pages!”
As teenagers, Alison and Derek were lovers—but chose opposite directions which tore them apart.
Now adults, the pursuit of their incompatible dreams turns them into enemies who must deny their love for each other. But the real-world consequences of their actions bring them together in an alliance of mutual self-preservation—and cause them both to question their every belief.
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