Classic Gender Jokes
(Click on the + Sign text to open up each classic joke.)
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure… go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re … so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper…..
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you’re dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The answer to “What’s wrong?”:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an arsehole
“I’m hungry.” = I’m hungry.
“I’m sleepy.” = I’m sleepy.
“I’m tired.” = I’m tired.
“Do you want to go to a movie?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I take you out to dinner?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Can I call you sometime?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“May I have this dance?” = I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
“Nice dress!” = Nice cleavage!
“You look tense, let me give you a massage.” = I want to fondle you.
[While shopping] “I like that one better.” = Pick any freakin’ dress and let’s go home!
“What’s wrong?” = I don’t see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
“What’s wrong?” = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
“What’s wrong?” = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
“I’m bored.” = Do you want to have sex?
“I love you.” = Let’s have sex now.
“I love you, too.” = Okay, I said it…we’d better have sex now!
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = I liked it better before.
“Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.” = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
“Let’s talk.” = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me.
“Will you marry me?” = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
How to Impress a Woman
Spend money on her
Wine & dine her
Buy her things
Listen to her
Care for her
Stand by her
Go to the ends of the earth for her.
How To Impress a Man
Show up naked
Husband Shopping Center
There was this “Husband Shopping Center” where a woman could go to choose from among many men, for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men. First floor, the door had a sign saying
“These men have jobs and love kids.”
The women read the sign and say:
“Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they go.
Second floor says “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking”
“Hmmm,” say the girls. “But, I wonder what’s further up?”
Third floor: “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.
“Wow! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!”
And up they go.
Fourth floor: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.”
“Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!”
So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said:
“This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.”
I’m currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I’ve been having some problems lately. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I’ve tried have always conflicted with it.
I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I’m embarrassed to say I can’t find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay.
GirlFriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.
After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn’t have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right — as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.
Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.
I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn’t know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.
The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can’t understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts.
And I’ve never liked how GirlFriend is totally “object-oriented.”
A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don’t upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.
So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can’t load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.
Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything.
Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw 1.0 which has an automatic pop-up feature he can’t turn-off.
I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won’t install anyway because of insufficient resources.
I suppose the moral of the story is: know your system’s hardware, it’s software requirements and compatibilities and be real careful about what software you install and when and how you upgrade.
Famous Women Talk (Mostly) About Men
“I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb . . . and I also know that I’m not blonde.”
“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.”
“I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.”
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.”
“I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.”
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
“If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.”
“I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on.”
“I think-therefore I’m single.”
“When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.”
“Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.”
“I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn’t itch.”
“In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.”
“I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.”
“Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.”
“I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all
afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.”
“Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.”
—Baroness Edith Summerskill
“If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?”
“I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.”
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
And her most famous one . . .
“I’ve never hated a man enough to give him back his diamonds.”
—Zsa Zsa Gabor
An English professor wrote the words, “a woman without her man is nothing” on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
The women wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.”
Mars vs. Venus
Remember the book “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”? Here’s a prime example offered by an English professor at an American University.
“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking and anything you wish to say must be written on the paper. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”
The following was supposedly turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary .
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
“At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,???” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things round her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace sarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of FUCKING TEA??? Oh no, I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels.”
A+, I really liked this one?
Men Fights Back
After all those male bashing jokes floating around, someone finally fought back…..
How many men does it take to open a beer?
– None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
– Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
– So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
– When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”
How do you fix a woman’s watch?
– You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
– Because women won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
– The dog of course…at least he’ll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
– A woman that won’t do what she’s told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%…wedding cake.
Barbie Gets Divorced
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it’s almost Christmas and he hasn’t bought his daughter anything.
He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, “How much is the Barbie on the display window?”
The salesperson answers, “Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie …. for $ 19.95
Shopping Barbie …. for $ 19.95
Beach Barbie ……. for $ 19.95
Disco Barbie ……. for $ 19.95
Divorced Barbie …. for $265.95
The amazed father asks:
“What? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?”
The salesperson answers: “Well, Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with …
Ken’s Computer, and
One of Ken’s friends!
The Cow From Minsk
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles – or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, — they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. “Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?”
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, “Did you buy this cow from Minsk?”
“Rabbi!” they replied as one, “You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?” The Rabbi said, sadly, “My wife is from Minsk.”
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
– They don’t have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
-They won’t stop to ask directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
-They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
– bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
– So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
– We don’t know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
– They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
– A widow.
When do you care for a man’s company?
– When he owns it.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
– His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
– Put the remote control between his toes
What did God say after creating man?
– I must be able to do better than that.
What did God say after creating Eve?
– “Practice makes perfect.”
How are men and parking spots alike?
– Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
– They’re married.
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
“But God,” the man says, “why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”
If You Think You Have It Bad...
If you think your life is bad. . .How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all. . .The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.
Men are like…..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like…..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look stupid.
Men are like…..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like…..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like…..Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men are like…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like…..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like…..Curling irons.
They’re always hot, and they’re always in your hair.
Men are like…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Men are like…..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.” What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
“You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying …that phrase…in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
“Politics, sex, corruption,
blackmail, lies . . . and that’s
just the first three pages!”
As teenagers, Alison and Derek were lovers—but chose opposite directions which tore them apart.
Now adults, the pursuit of their incompatible dreams turns them into enemies who must deny their love for each other. But the real-world consequences of their actions bring them together in an alliance of mutual self-preservation—and cause them both to question their every belief.
Rave Reviews from Amazon Readers:
“This is one of the best books I have ever read.”
“Up there with The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Powerful, intense, very well-written ”
“Mark Tier has a writing style as fluid as John Grisham’s or John Le Carre’s”
“Worthy of Ayn Rand . . . a spell-binding adventure ”
“Multiple plots, action great . . . and a nine touch of sex.”