Classic Family Jokes
(Click on the + Sign text to open up each classic joke.)
How Come I Don't Get Any . . . ?
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little irritated, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t
getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
A little old Jewish grandmother gives directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife:
“You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all those buttons with my elbow?”
“You’re coming empty-handed?”
The Meaning of Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he’d sleep with Tom cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and ask, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?” The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?” “Of course,” the brother replied, ” Do you know how much a million could buy?”
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two sluts and a fag.”
“Politics, sex, corruption,
blackmail, lies . . . and that’s
just the first three pages!”
As teenagers, Alison and Derek were lovers—but chose opposite directions which tore them apart.
Now adults, the pursuit of their incompatible dreams turns them into enemies who must deny their love for each other. But the real-world consequences of their actions bring them together in an alliance of mutual self-preservation—and cause them both to question their every belief.
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