Transforming the “Monster” Within

In 1990 I set up shop in Hong Kong as a psycho-therapist. With no licencing laws, there were no barriers to entry. By the same token, the fact that I had no degree in psychology, or other paper qualifications, meant that clients were few and far between.

Nevertheless, I had a handful of clients — and some incredible results. Here’s one of them.

This is the transcript of a session with a client we will call “Andrew.”

In previous sessions (this was his third) he had indicated he had what he called a “monster in the basement, the dark side of my sexuality.” This was a part of him that obviously scared him. I asked him if he was ready to meet “The Monster Within.” After some thought, he indicated that he was ready. This is what happened.

The following is a unedited transcript of the tape-recording we made of the session. Parts that are unintelligible are indicated.

I had Andrew sit down facing an empty chair. While he was in this chair, he was “The Monster.” The person “sitting” in the empty chair was “Andrew” — himself. Behind the empty chair was a floor-to-ceiling mirror, so when he was “The Monster” he could actually see Andrew in front of him.

This session lasted one and a quarter hours.

* * * * *

TIER: I’d like you to sit there; close your eyes; get in touch with the monster that you were talking about . . . become him . . . [PAUSE] . . . how would he be sitting? . . . [PAUSE] . . .

When you’re ready just let me know(1)… I’d like you to start talking to Andrew who’s sitting opposite you; let’s begin with “I’m a person who — ”(2)

MONSTER [As Andrew began speaking his whole voice and body changed. A well-muscled, heavily-built man, his new manner actually scared me. The viciousness in his voice was unmistakable; his body looked like he was ready to spring into raging violence at the merest provocation — or without provocation. I took a deep breath to hide my own fear . . . ]: I’m a person who despises stupid little shits like you. [He’s talking to “Andrew” who’s “sitting” in the empty chair opposite him.] You have power which you’re not using. Power is to be used. What’s the point of having power if you don’t . . . if you don’t exercise it? To dominate, to manipulate others . . .

TIER: Power to me means —

MONSTER: Power to me means life or death; to be able to reach out and destroy someone . . . instantly. To be able to contemplate their suffering; to — to — to laugh at it; that’s fun.

TIER: Suffering to me means —

MONSTER: Suffering to me . . . to me? When you say “suffering to me” do you mean how I would interpret suffering?

TIER: Mmh-hmm. Good.

MONSTER: Suffering to me means powerlessness, helplessness. No power, no help. To be totally at the mercy of outside forces.

TIER: The way I deal with suffering is —

MONSTER: The way I deal with suffering is to [the contempt in his voice is unmistakable] reflect it back to others. Every ounce of suffering I receive I give a pound back. That’s power.

TIER: Pain to me means —

MONSTER: Pain to me . . . I don’t know what pain is; I’ve no experience of pain. My only experience of pain is through others. I built barriers against pain; I stick needles in myself as a party trick to shock and horrify others. I burn my arm with cigarettes [he gestures towards a row of scars on his left forearm]. I don’t know what pain is. Pain is something for other people.

TIER: When I see your suffering —

MONSTER: When I see your suffering it makes me laugh! You’re so weak! Contemptible! Every little thing, you run to Mummy; you cry.

TIER: One of the ways I’ve protected you is —

MONSTER: One of the ways I’ve protected you is to enter into a symbiotic relationship with you. Now . . . you think you want to get rid of me; we’ll see about that.

One of the ways I’ve protected you is by teaching you how to suffer without feeling the pain; to reflect it back to others as I do.

TIER: When you were a little boy I —

MONSTER: When you were a little boy I was invited in. I took residence inside you and I became your ally against those who were making you suffer. We made a pact, you and I. I made my power available to you. Now . . . now you want to go back on the pact. There’s a price to pay.

TIER: When you were a little boy I —

MONSTER: When you were a little boy . . . when you were a little boy, I possessed you. You became my property; you became my agent.

TIER: When you were with Mother I —

MONSTER [chuckles nastily]: When you were with Mother I came between you. I came between you. I was I was the one who made you abuse your sister; and ****, the girl who lived over the road. I was the one who made your mother query her love and her respect for you. I made her believe you were unworthy of her love. I made her think that she’d reared a monster.

TIER: When you were with Father I —

MONSTER: When you were with Father I was pretty much in the background, biding my time.

TIER: By that I mean —

MONSTER: By that I mean in those days my power was not so strong as it is now. I was wary of your father . . . we used to fantasize together about things that we could do but your father, your father had immediate physical control over you and there wasn’t anything I could do about that.

TIER: And what were your fantasies . . . ?

MONSTER: Ah — we planned ways of getting rid of him . . . Mummy taught us how to read very early . . . before we went to school. We used to read everything we could lay our hands on, didn’t we? We read a set of encyclopedias before we started school. We read about poisons, we read about weapons. We developed a fascination with death, destruction, pain, torture . . . we built a whole fantasy structure in which you became the Overlord . . . all the other people in your life just pawns to be manipulated, disposed of. It was into this fantasy world that you retreated whenever you were feeling hurt or vulnerable. You used to come in . . . you used to “come down to the basement” to join me . . . you welcomed my company in those days . . . now you’re wimping out.

TIER: When you were a teenager I —

MONSTER: When you were a teenager . . . when you were a teenager I was powerful . . . I guided your development — I was just below the surface and you didn’t realize how much I was responsible for. Your choice of career had a lot to do with me; to control; to be controlled; opportunities for abuse, corruption.

TIER: When you were with Mother I . . . As a teenager, when you were with Mother I —

MONSTER: As a teenager, when you were with Mother I taught you to disrespect her; to see her as a weak and foolish woman. I always . . . I always knew how to hurt her with a word or two and make her cry . . . I almost didn’t need to exercise my power at all, she was too weak.

TIER: When you were with Father I —

MONSTER: When you were with Father . . . I continued to give you strength. You could never physically stand up to him because you were too much of a coward; but I gave you the strength that you needed to remove him from your life; by placing a distance between you; you disposed of him by walking out; you turned your back on him; that was the only insult he could really understand.

TIER: Do you think he really got the message.

MONSTER: Yes. He got the message. We wrote; and then when we went back on leave we spent very little time there. By that time we had a wife and family of our own . . . There’s quite a lot of fear in my father.

TIER: When you were with a woman I —

MONSTER: When you were with a woman I let you see her through my eyes, as a toy. She’s there to be used and abused; discarded. Sometimes you’re able to derive satisfaction from a loving relationship. There are times when I have to stay locked away in my cage.

TIER: That makes me feel —

MONSTER: That makes me feel resentful and angry.

TIER: And then I —

MONSTER: And then I wreak my revenge on you.

TIER: One of the ways I get my revenge is —

MONSTER: One of the ways I get my revenge is by intruding . . . intruding myself into your consciousness, sometimes when you’re at a low ebb; when you’re off-guard. I begin fantasies to make you freak out . . . contemplate your sexuality through my eyes . . . you indulge your fantasies, you masturbate, you get satisfaction and then immediately afterwards you collapse into self-loathing . . .

TIER: And how does that make you feel . . . ?

MONSTER: That makes me feel . . . Power! You reject and neglect me and this is how I avenge myself.

TIER: One of my strengths is —

MONSTER: One of my strengths is the depth of my rigidness within me.

TIER: By that I mean —

MONSTER: By that I mean that I’ve been there for as long as you can remember; you don’t know my origins; you don’t really understand my origins; and that makes you powerless to remove me.

TIER: One of my strengths is —

MONSTER: One of my strengths is the fear that you have of me because I’m your dark secret that you have to hide away. That makes you vulnerable. Sometimes you let things slip . . . people discover this side of your nature . . . they could destroy you — that’s your fear.

TIER: One of my strengths is —

MONSTER: One of my strengths is the . . . is the fear that you feed me. It’s your fear and it’s the energy of fear that you get from contemplating the suffering of others and the fantasies.

One of my strengths is that I’m able to manipulate you so that you’ll do things that are completely unattractive.

TIER: One of the ways I can protect you now is —

MONSTER: One of the ways I can protect you now is by giving you some of my strength when you need it, to ward off the attacks of others. There’ve been times when you have used a little of that strength. Just a hint of it is enough to frighten people so badly they don’t mess with you any more. The problem is that you never do use much . . . there’s so much here available for you, and you don’t use it.

TIER: If you were to call on my strength —

MONSTER: If you were to call on my strength you would accomplish so much. All the barriers . . . all the barriers of fear, altruism, morality . . . gone. Just do what you want. With my power and your intelligence we can conquer anything.

TIER: If you were to fully and completely accept me as a valuable part of yourself —

MONSTER: If you were to fully and completely accept me as a valuable part of yourself what a great team we would make; you and me against the world.

TIER: If you were to fully and completely accept me as a valuable part of yourself —

MONSTER: If you were to fully and completely accept me as a valuable part of yourself people would stand in awe of you. Nobody would dare stand against you.

If you were to accept me fully as part of yourself we could achieve whatever you want to achieve.

TIER: I’m wondering what your name is do you have a name? Do you want to give yourself a name?

MONSTER [softly]: I don’t need a name.

TIER: You don’t need a name. Okay. . . . Thank you for being so frank and honest. I appreciate it and I think Andrew will . . . if you could go and sit over here now, become Andrew, talking to the part of yourself that needs no name.

[He switches chairs so now he is facing the empty chair where “The Monster” is “sitting.”]

So how do you react to what he’s been saying?

ANDREW: I accept much of what he’s been saying . . . but . . . I cannot accept the . . . I cannot accept the use of power without morality.

TIER: How old would you say he is, emotionally?

ANDREW: He seems to be very, very old.

TIER: Very old.

ANDREW: Very old. His age is . . . [unintelligible] . . . it’s something primeval. It pre-dates human existence basically.

TIER: So you’re meaning emotionally he’s very young . . . in terms of a human . . .

ANDREW: I’m not sure I understand the question.

TIER: Would you say he’s more like an animal or a human being in terms of emotions.

ANDREW: He’s more of an archetype.

TIER: He seems completely amoral.

ANDREW: Amoral. Ageless. . . . and also, he seeks and derives pleasure in the suffering of other people, even innocent people . . . and he wants me to become like him, and that’s what I fight against.

TIER: What I’m wondering is whether more important to him is to be accepted by you. Yes it’s true that he gets pleasure from other people’s suffering, but at the same time he seems to be immune to suffering himself. That’s not necessarily a positive thing.

ANDREW: He is immune. . . . He can . . . detach himself, and that’s the way he operates.

TIER: So he’s found ways to not feel his pain. Which of course is a form of depression. . . . Let’s go with: “If I were to call on your strength — ”

ANDREW: If I were to call on your strength . . . what would you seek from me in return. That’s the question. . . . You lurk within — inside me, you lurk within me. You’re much more powerful than me but you’re not as smart as I am. You don’t realize that if you were to work through me, allow me to merge myself and your power, you would destroy me; you would destroy me in the process . . . you would destroy yourself because it’s within me that you live. . . . We have to reach an ideal compromise.

TIER: If I were to lose my fear of you —

ANDREW: If I were to lose my fear of you I think you would become afraid of me — because I know everything there is to know about you. I think you know less about me that I know about you.

TIER: Keep going. If I were to lose my fear of you —

ANDREW: If I were to lose my fear of you I could tame you, put you to use. It’s possible we might develop a mutually profitable partnership.

If I were to lose my fear of you we could perhaps become reintegrated . . . and become healthily powerful.

TIER: The prospect of that integration —

ANDREW: The prospect of that integration is very wonderful to contemplate. I’d have to seek some kind of assurance or guarantee that you not seek to dominate and destroy me in the process because you’ve shown signs in the past of being very destructive.

TIER: One of the ways I protect myself from you is —

ANDREW: One of the ways I protect myself from you is by turning away from you and turning to the light, by inviting in other allies which makes you jealous and makes you want to hurt me, too.

TIER: One of the ways I protect myself from you is —

ANDREW: One of the ways I protect myself from you is by making occasional trips to the basement to play with you, so that you don’t become too frustrated. I never let you have your own way . . . I can’t — I’d spin out of control.

TIER: If I were to fully and completely accept you as a part of myself —

ANDREW: If I were to fully and completely accept you as part of myself . . . I would have no experience . . . I would be very secure in the knowledge of my power and would be constantly on my guard against you — trickery . . . betrayal. If I were to accept you as part of myself [Here, a couple of moments are lost as the tape is turned over.]

By that I mean I would have to come to terms with this new quality in myself, of new strength and power and fearlessness; things that have been distinctly lacking in the past.

TIER: Except it turns out they’ve always been there. . . . If I were to fully and completely accept you as part of myself —

ANDREW: If I were to fully and completely accept you as part of myself . . . I could do so much more with my life than I have.

TIER: If I were to treat you with respect —

ANDREW: If I were to treat you with respect, perhaps you would show me some respect, too. We could achieve a compromise. If I were to treat you with respect then maybe we could become friends instead of just allies, otherwise [unintelligible].

TIER: If I were to treat your needs and wants seriously. . . . No, if I were to respect your needs and wants —

ANDREW: If were to respect your needs and wants I would have to . . . they’re very powerful. Your needs and wants are very powerful . . .

TIER: All the more reason to treat them with respect.

ANDREW: . . . yes.

TIER: It’s like acceptance. It’s not an issue of liking or agreeing with them; it’s like you treat fire with respect. Let’s continue — If I were to respect your needs and wants —

ANDREW: If I were to respect your needs and wants . . . that would mean having to give them satisfaction from time to time . . . otherwise that would be denial, and denial and respect seem to be in opposition to each other. . . . This is my dilemma . . . this is why it’s hard for me to come to terms with you, because of those needs and wants which are just unacceptable to me. The things that you want to do I just cannot countenance. [Unintelligible].

TIER: Do they need to be acted out? Just as he provided you with a fantasy world when you were a little boy, to help you to escape the terror — if that’s the right word — of your existence, then to some degree some of these needs and wants can to be satisfied in the same way. It’s not for me to say . . . I’m just making a suggestion.

ANDREW: It’s really a sort of mental release. I’ve always retained sufficient control that I’ve never gone beyond the bounds of play; bedroom games; . . . fantasy. I haven’t hurt anybody. I haven’t done anything evil but I have to live with this constant fear of his power lurking beneath my senses. He’s just waiting for the opportunity . . . I can’t . . . he can’t . . . to slip through the defenses.

I’ve had sufficient indication that that’s true.

TIER: Okay, so let’s switch chairs again.

[Andrew moves to the other chair, “steps into” being his “Monster” again, now facing “Andrew” in the empty chair opposite.]

How do you feel about what Andrew’s been saying in reaction to what you said before. . . . It seems he’s ambivalent towards you.

MONSTER: Well that’s his problem, his ambivalence.

TIER: Well I wonder if it really is . . . ? You know what I mean. Isn’t it your problem too? How are you going to get what you want without his co-operation?

MONSTER: He’s never really given me what I want.

TIER: What do you want?

MONSTER: I want to be . . . released.

TIER: Free.

MONSTER: Yes-s-s-s.

TIER: What would you do if you were free?

MONSTER: Wreak havoc.

TIER: Uh-huh. . . . How much is enough?

MONSTER: I don’t know. Let’s give it a try. What he’s done for me is like feeding some soup to a starving man.

TIER: When you say wreaking havoc . . . breaking things? Or people’s legs? . . . pulling wings off flies?

MONSTER: Flies are not big enough.

TIER: Not big enough.

MONSTER: Ah-h-h . . .

TIER: The good thing about hurting people is —

MONSTER: The good thing about hurting people is the sense of complete power; the joy of giving vent to passion — something he has never known.

TIER: Passion.

MONSTER: Yes-s-s! Raw passion. Like a volcano.

TIER: Keep going . . . the good thing about hurting people is —

MONSTER: The good thing about hurting people is that it engenders fear; fear gives you control; power.

TIER: The scary thing about losing control is —

MONSTER: The scary thing about losing control is . . . losing control means losing power . . .

TIER: . . . and then . . .

MONSTER: . . . and then power would be subject to limitations.

TIER: You could get hurt.

MONSTER [softly]: Perhaps.

[This is the breakthrough the first time “The Monster” has admitted to the possibility that he might be able to experience pain.]

TIER: Another way of expressing passion might be —

MONSTER: Well . . . some say there is only one form of emotional energy, and that’s passion. And that can be interpreted in different ways, and in fact it can be transmuted . . . but if power is what he wants then the quickest way is to have everybody in fear.

TIER: To have power, yeah. But to express passion — isn’t that a different question, a different process?

MONSTER: . . . express passion . . .

TIER: . . . you describe yourself as being a volcano about to erupt . . .

MONSTER: Yes . . .

TIER: But if a volcano erupts and it blows its stack then there’s stuff for miles around, dirt all over the place — then it’s gone, right? Whereas if that power is channeled instead of coming out in an explosion, it can be used continuously and constructively and grow . . . and last longer.

MONSTER: I’ve heard this line before: he’s using it with me. The problem is that he doesn’t give me enough of an outlet for passion and passion is not something which is limited — it’s not like I’m sitting on so many liters or so many tons of passion and when it’s gone it’s gone . . . it’s an organic thing which grows and lives and needs expression. There are many ways of expressing passion: passion can be creative, passion can be expressed in love. There’s such a wealth of it here . . . there’s such a desire for vengeance.

TIER: Vengeance on . . . ?

MONSTER: So many; so many.

TIER: What about the phrase, “Living well is the best revenge.”

MONSTER: Again?

TIER: “Living well is the best revenge.” Have you ever heard that statement before?

MONSTER: Yes-s-s.

TIER: How do you react?

[At this point, the façade of “The Monster” begins to collapse. His English loses its incredible precision and clarity (better, you may note, than Andrew’s!). Now as he begins to talk about suffering — his/Andrew’s suffering — his control begins to break down. Pauses in his speech become longer and longer; his breathing is labored; he begins clenching his fists and beating his knees with his hands. The next few paragraphs which take a moment to read took four to five minutes to come out.]

MONSTER: Some of those on whom my revenge would be wreaked aren’t thinking the same way. If I suffer in my innocence, then to balance the equation, innocence versus suffering, innocence must suffer . . . and I don’t want this . . . he suffered so much . . . this child was given a great gift of power . . . [LONG PAUSE] . . . and I was frustrated . . . it festered . . . [LONG PAUSE] . . .

The enormity of the insult . . . too great to ever forget . . . [LONG PAUSE] . . . he turned his back on me; listened to others . . .

TIER: Is this big-Andrew?

MONSTER: No-o-o. It isn’t big-Andrew. Even little Andrew learned . . . “Don’t do that” . . . “That’s not nice” . . . I can never forgive the way he turned his back on me. But he achieved some measure of success. In some ways I’ve been an ally to him because we’re inextricably linked . . . but in many other ways I’ve been his enemy, I’ve held him back.

He reads William Blake and think he understands — it’s all in his head.

TIER: I want to ask you to do something . . .

MONSTER: Yes.

TIER: Come over here. Stay where you are — I mean where you’re at . . . kneel here in front of this chair, okay. Take hold of this here [a pataca(3)] and start beating the chair.

MONSTER: This is like asking the world’s greatest chef to cook noodles.

TIER: I realize that. It’s all I’ve got at the moment.

MONSTER: Got a 12-gauge handy?

TIER: Sorry [laughter].

[The Monster starts beating the chair with the pataca.]

Start saying “No!”

MONSTER: No! . . . No! . . . [He is beating the chair more and more violently. He is beginning to shake; tears come to his eyes and the volume of his “No!” gets louder and louder.] NO! . . . NO! . . . NO! . . . NO! . . . [Such is his violence that the pataca breaks open the stuffing flies all over the room.

[At this point, Andrew/Monster begins crying.

[He takes a while to collect himself . . . sits back on “Andrew’s” chair . . .]

TIER: Just breathe. . . . Okay now?

ANDREW: Getting there.

Felt good.

TIER: All right. . . . How are you feeling?

ANDREW: High. Lots of insight coming up. I do feel high, I feel lifted.

TIER: Been a long way down.

ANDREW: Mmm. [Breathes heavily].

TIER: Can you come to terms . . . more easily?

ANDREW: I guess major part of the problem is that they’ve never experienced a good time . . .

TIER: . . . that’s a good place to begin. But I suggest you listen to the tape again . . . when he talked about his suffering which he denied ever having felt, that is the clue. . . . You see the reason you don’t feel pain is not because you can’t; it’s been there all the time. There must be a reason [unintelligible].

ANDREW: Yeah.

TIER: So this part of you came into existence at some point when you were very young . . . my guess is one or two years old, maybe even before . . . to protect you from the pain . . .

ANDREW: . . . five . . .

TIER: It might not have been that late — one, two, three, four . . . he was there when you were a little boy, when you were five . . .

ANDREW: I can remember my first, my earliest memory I should say, of the exhilaration of contemplating helplessness and powerlessness and suffering of others . . . about five or six.

TIER: You see his sense of morality, or lack of morality is very much that of a two or three year old . . . pulls wings of flies to see what happens . . . so his strength is not as great as he thinks it is.

ANDREW: Yes, I realize that . . .

TIER: He’s very powerful, there’s a lot of power there — it’s obviously missing from you . . .

ANDREW: Oh yeah . . .

TIER: . . . but it’s there . . . and . . .

ANDREW: I can rehabilitate and reintegrate him.

TIER: Yeah. Well you’ve started [unintelligible] and it’ll happen — it’s already begun.

ANDREW: We didn’t touch upon how this got tied up with sexuality.

TIER: No. . . . Do we need to?

ANDREW: Perhaps not.

TIER: It’s easier to abuse women than to abuse men.

ANDREW: Is it?

TIER: I think so . . . more opportunities; women are weaker . . .

ANDREW: Oh . . . I suppose so . . .

TIER: My sense is . . . I mean there’s always more work that can be done.

ANDREW: It’s probably just a question of circumstances. The most accessible victims . . . my sister, the girl across the road . . . because all the others, the boys were bigger . . . because my Dad came back from the war a year late . . . [the conversation drifts onto other topics.]

* * * * *

In subsequent work, Andrew gave his “Monster” a new name: “The Wild Man.” He has become friends with this part of himself. While all is not bliss, they are co-operating, not fighting; and Andrew ensures that “The Wild Man” has plenty of constructive outlets for his energy — for example, in vigorous exercise. The “Shadow” of “The Monster” has been transformed into the resource of “The Wild Man.”

Interestingly, a week or so after this session, Andrew recalled that, as a child, his mother frequently called him “You little monster!” and often remarked that she’d given birth to a monster, not a child.

Parents should be careful what they say to their children: what they say might come true!

A few months after this session, Andrew reported that a new relationship with a woman had developed in which his “Wild Man” was passionately — and compassionately — involved. “It’s the first time in my life,” he said, “that I’ve been with a woman and had no violent sexual fantasies whatsoever.”

“Monster” versus “Shadow” is a commentary on this session, questioning the traditional Jungian classification.

And you’ll find another (and very different) study in The Case of the “Reluctant” Virgin.

1. In the previous two sessions, Andrew had been introduced to his child-self and his teenage-self, so he was already highly familiar with the process of “meeting” parts of himself. As he could already “feel” the “Monster within,” it took literally only moments for him to become this sub-personality.

2. Sentence-completion — a technique used extensively through this session — involved giving the client an incomplete sentence and asking him to repeat the stem and complete the sentence over and over again, with a different ending each time.

This process is explained most fully by its originator, Dr Nathaniel Branden, in his books “If You Could Hear What I Cannot Say —” and The Art of Self-Discovery, both published by Bantam Books.

The first stem, “I’m a person who —,” illustrates several benefits of sentence-completion: it reinforces the process — in this case, of becoming the “Monster” — by, through talking, bringing it into reality; while simultaneously providing the therapist with information; and information with full emotional context to the client (to the extent the client is ready to feel it).

3. A pataca is like a soft baseball bat. I used a substitute similar to but not as strong as a pataca.