The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.  — Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. — Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL

Beauty is only a light switch away.  — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. — Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. — Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he’d say we were stopping for ice. — Smoky Joe’s, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?” — Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the whole purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all working?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms — Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille dots on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

Acheson's Rule of the Bureaucracy:  A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.

First Maxim of Computers  To err is human, but to really screw things up requires a computer

Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.

Haldane's Law: The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine, it is queerer than we CAN imagine.

Historian's Rule: Any event, once it has occurred, can be made to appear inevitable by a competent historian.

Katz's Law: Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Knoll's Law of Media Accuracy: Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true except for that rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge.

Law of Nations: In an underdeveloped country, don't drink the water; in a developed country, don't breathe the air.

Nixon's Rule: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

Occam's Razor: Entities ought not to be multiplied except from necessity. Reformulation: Cut the crap.

Parkinson's Law of Research: Successful research attracts the bigger grant which makes further research impossible.

Parkinson's Law of 1000: An enterprise employing more than 1000 people becomes a self-perpetuating empire, creating so much internal work that it no longer needs any contact with the outside world.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Law of Pacifism: Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.

Suhor's Law: A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.

Terman's Law: There is no direct relationship between the quality of an educational program and its cost.

Uhlmann's Razor: When stupidity is a sufficient explanation, there is no need to have recourse to any other.

Waffle's Law: A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with the likelihood of his having to do it.

Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.

Wood's Law: The more unworkable the urban plan, the greater the probability of implementation.

Young's Law: All great discoveries are made by mistake. Corollary: The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others.  The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

To find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.  Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde. —Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. —Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. —Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.  —Rita Rudner

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. —Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. —Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. —Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. —Roseanne Barr

I think-therefore I'm single. —Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. —Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. —Maryon Pearson

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. —Gilda Radner

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. —Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. —Gloria Steinhem

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. —Gloria Steinhem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. —Marie Corelli

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. —Baroness Edith Summerskill

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? —Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. —Zsa Zsa Gabor—

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him... The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson well enough to use it back against you.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men: the one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

“I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.” — Stephen Bishop

“A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.” — Louis Nizer

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” — Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” — Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” — Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” — William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” — Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” — Moses Hadas

“His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.” — Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)

“He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” — Samuel Johnson

“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” — Paul Keating

“He had delusions of adequacy.” — Walter Kerr

“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” — Jack E. Leonard

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” — Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

“He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.” — Robert Redford

“They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.” — Thomas Brackett Reed

“He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” — James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” — Charles, Count Talleyrand

“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” — Mark Twain

“A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.” — Mark Twain

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” — Mark Twain

“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” — Mae West

“She is a peacock in everything but beauty.” — Oscar Wilde

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” — Oscar Wilde

“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” — Billy Wilder

“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination.” — Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

Suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. — James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U. (1992)

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P. J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:  If it moves, tax it.  If it keeps moving, regulate it.... and if it stops moving, subsidize it. — Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes.  I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free. — P. J. O'Rourke

If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.  If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative.  If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate.  If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist. — Joseph Sobran, former Editor of the National Review (1995)

In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from some of the citizens to give to others. — Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you. — Pericles (430 B. C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. — Mark Twain (1866)

Talk is cheap except when Congress does it. — (Unknown)

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a healthy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.  The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress. -- Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. — Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)